


Mudd, Harry Mudd

by StarryEyes2000



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27868478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryEyes2000/pseuds/StarryEyes2000
Summary: The Enterprise crew apprehends Harry Mudd.
Kudos: 8





	Mudd, Harry Mudd

The bearded man decked out in a tuxedo held out his hand to Captain Pike. "Mudd, Harry Mudd. Intergalactic man of mystery..."

Pike ignored the offered hand.

"Two-bit conman." Una translated as she tapped her foot impatiently.

"... supplier of information ..." Mudd continued with a genial smile.

"Trafficker in secrets to the highest bidder ... regardless of affiliation." Enterprise's security chief, Isak, corrected. He glared down, arms crossed over his chest, poised to grab Mudd by the scruff of his neck.

"... preserver of rare antiquities ..."

Una rolled her eyes. "Thief and pirate."

Mudd placed a hand over his heart as if wounded. "my dear I believe you mean privateer, a noble profession"

"That's just a hired pirate." Una retorted.

Mudd quickly moved on "... patron of artists ..."

Isak inched closer. "Swindler."

"... and master of the tables ..."

"Card shark." Una helpfully interpreted.

"... and beloved by women, and quite a few men, everywhere." Mudd concluded.

Pike held up a hand to keep Una from kneecapping their guest.

Isak finished the introduction. "Wanted in 10 systems, two with the death penalty."

"Captain, I assure you those are harsh falsehoods spread by jealous competitors. And the scorned." Mudd explained and then mused, "So many women, so little time." Bowing slightly to Pike he asked, "How may I be of service however humble it will be?"

Pike tilted his head slightly as he pointed out, "We rescued you."

Mudd steepled his hands, lightly tapping his fingers together. "Ah yes, excellent timing. Such a fuss over nothing. Barely escaped with my winnings."

"I returned them." Pike's eyes narrowed, as if he were having second thoughts. "In exchange for you."

"I see." Mudd looked disappointed but quickly reverted to his fake smile. "I congratulate you on your diplomatic skill. Well done, Captain. Or may I call you Chris?"

Una snorted.

"No," was the terse reply.

"Christopher?"

"No," was the terser reply.

"Captain it is then. Or do you prefer sir?" Mudd quipped.

"You won't be here long enough for it to matter." Isak stated firmly.

"Hmmm. I see. I get it, you have places to be, things to do, the Federation to protect. You're terribly busy." Mudd stroked his beard. "Antares III is not far, you can drop me there."

Una raised an eyebrow. "Do we look like Uber?"

"I hate to be indelicate, after your kind intervention in my minor, insignificant scuffle," Mudd placated then added in a tone tinged with a hint of self-conveyed authority, "but I am a taxpayer."

This time Pike and Isak snorted.

Mudd opened his arms as if to emphasize his generous nature. "So even though you technically work for me, I once again will be ruled by my magnanimity and allow you to take advantage of my giving nature. A convenient location is acceptable to me."

The Enterprise officers traded looks.

Mudd continued, "Really. Anything along your course. You are the flagship after all, it would be rude to delay you any further."

Pike smiled. "You are right. We serve the Federation and its citizens." He gestured at Mudd. "It is our duty to escort a man of your influence ... and stature … to an ... appropriate destination."

"Ah excellent. I knew we are kindred spirits, men cut from the same cloth so to speak. I sensed it immediately. Both leaders of men, Captains, though I am, at present, without my ship." Mudd stepped towards Pike, arms open for an embrace only to be apprehended and rooted to the ground by Isak's hand on his shoulder.

Mudd looked up at the security guard. "Captain in ... recognition … of our new ... friendship, perhaps you would call off your goon?"

Pike nodded to Isak who removed his hand from Mudd and backed away – an inch.

Mudd tenderly rubbed his shoulder. "Impressive. Have you thought about turning pro? On the boxing or MMA circuit? I will represent you. Together – with my brains and your brawn – we will make a fortune. You will be a star. And since you work for my dear new friend," Mudd pointed to Pike, "I will take only, shall we say, 60% off the top. You'll never get another offer this generous."

Isak stared at Pike, as if pleading for permission to take just one swing at Mudd.

Pike chuckled. "Far be it from me to hold back a member of my crew. The two of you can discuss it further – in private."

Isak slowly smiled.

Mudd was suddenly at a loss for words. But not for long. "Ah, yes, well, it is very good then, to have the Captain's blessing..."

Una smirked.

Isak quietly responded, "Yes, it is."

Mudd hurriedly concluded, "But I shouldn't keep you from your duties. We can chat later ... via subspace." He clapped his hands together. "Now that that is settled, may I freshen up before dinner? No need to go to any trouble, I don't require VIP quarters. Prefer to travel simply and incognito you know. Have to avoid the groupies."

"No doubt you do. We are preparing a room for you now, with your own personal attendant." Pike paused. "Selected especially for you."

Mudd laughed and, after casting a sideways glance at Isak, decided against punching Pike on the shoulder. "Ah Captain - thank you! I knew we were both men of the world." He outlined a woman's torso with his hands.

"Just one kneecap." Una mouthed to Pike as Mudd continued, "Oh, you will want to let your chef know I don't eat replicated food. Nor gluten or soy. Nor anything from Vulcan. Have to look after my temple after all." He patted his stomach. "And I almost forgot, I am a bit lactose intolerant.

"I'll speak to Chef personally." Pike assured their guest.

Mudd resumed his genial smile. "Well done, you run an efficient operation here. I'll be sure to fill out my review accordingly. A bottle of Andorian ale would also pave the way to a five-star rating."

The door to the ready room opened and another officer, also in a red security uniform, quietly entered.

Pike returned the genial smile. "Ah, yes, well, it is very good then. As you say, excellent. That you enjoy Andorian beverages - as you will be spending quite a bit of time on Andor."

Mudd's face drooped for a second and he squeaked, "Andor?" Recovering quickly he continued in a normal tone, "Andor is ... too far. Yes, much too far. A kind offer but I couldn't impose."

Pike's smile remained steady. "I insist. Especially as Andor has the primary extradition claim."

"Extradition?" Mudd asked in another squeak.

Pike nodded.

"That, oh _that_. A misunderstanding. An unfortunate series of events. Not my fault." Mudd turned to Una and flashed his most charming smile. "Surely you understand, it's very hard to read those antennae."

"Umm hmm." Una responded.

"You can explain it to the magistrate on Andor in five days." Pike signaled to Nhan. "Take him to the brig."

"But Captain, my friend, my comrade, surely you don't want to see me ..." Mudd pleaded.

"Oh my new friend, I do, I do."


End file.
